


How to Cope With An Overly Amorous Bandmate: A Rebuttal, by Dominic James Howard

by millionstar



Category: Muse
Genre: Belldom - Freeform, Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-29
Updated: 2014-01-29
Packaged: 2018-01-10 10:59:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1158876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/millionstar/pseuds/millionstar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel / Companion piece to <a href="http://millionstar.livejournal.com/351817.html">How To Seduce Your Bandmate In Six Easy Steps, By Matthew James Bellamy</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	How to Cope With An Overly Amorous Bandmate: A Rebuttal, by Dominic James Howard

**Author's Note:**

  * For [stargarnet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stargarnet/gifts).



> Happy birthday to you, P. Lots of love. x

_How to Cope With An Overly Amorous Bandmate: A Rebuttal  
By Dominic Howard_

Hi there!

It has been brought to my attention that my other half, one Matthew "WRITER OF ESSAYS"  Bellamy, has written an essay on what he feels to be the best way to seduce a bandmate.  I have read this essay.  After an hour or so, when I was finally able to stop laughing (because, seriously, I nearly pissed myself, I laughed so hard) I began to think that maybe, just maybe, another point of view might be worth taking a look at.

So, I shall take each of my dear Matthew's points and offer a, well, rebuttal, for lack of a better word.   Don't get me wrong, I love the spastic little fucker, more than anything.  But while he has confidence in spades, a big heart, and the best of intentions, he doesn't have any business giving out relationship advice.  In fact, nobody should ever listen to any advice he has on any matter that isn't a musical matter.  _Ever._

Well, maybe I'm being harsh.  I mean, his wacky antics _did_ work on me - so we will approach this with the assumption that you do enjoy the attentions of said bandmate and are interested in taking it to the next level.

If he's a dude.

And a singer.

In an English rock band.

Oh, you know what I mean.

1\. Embrace the person he is, no matter how... "special".

An Overly Amorous Bandmate (or, OAB, because acronyms are fun) can complicate matters within the day to day business of the band, that much is true.  From here one of two things can happen, you can either be appalled and run screaming into the night, never to look back, or if you are flattered and more than a little interested, then, hey, dude, you have got it made.  It's all a matter of making him do the work, though.  He obviously wants you, so let him show you just how much he does, just how far he's willing to go.

Trust me.

Then again, it's also a matter of how far _you_ are willing to go, also.  In my case, I was saddled with an OAB who happened to be one of my best friends.  I knew Matt better than anyone, every single quirk he indulges in, every bad habit he has, every batshit insane idea he's ever tried to execute.  When I realized that he was, in fact, coming on to me, I was happy, because it was like the answer to a prayer that I'd been whispering at night for a very long time.

Man, those early days were... interesting, to say the least.  He would corner me in the most odd places and ask me my thoughts on government interference in the daily lives of the proletariat, or some shit.  And, he would go on and on _and on and on_ \- but it was kind of cute to see him so passionate about something.  As time went on, I began to find it more and more endearing.

Oh, still extremely, criminally _boring_ , of course, but kind of cute.  I became pretty good at letting him talk because I liked being so close to him, and it's not that hard to smile and nod, after all.  Not if it makes him happy.

The using-my-moisturizer-to-wank-with incident was a different story, though.  There was nothing charming about that.  That shit was _expensive_.  And French*.

_*And, for my balls._

2\. Be patient with their personal grooming habits, or lack thereof.

... because this is something you can _work_ on, you see.  You have to be willing to be patient, though.  It doesn't happen overnight, or it sure didn't in my case.  I mean, you get used to wearing the occasional military grade gas mask around a pungent bandmate now and then, it's just a shame that they don't come in a leopard print model.  I've written countless letters complaining about this but nothing ever came of it. Let's get real, olive green isn't a flattering color, I don't care what anyone else says.

Anyway.

It's easily overcome, though.  I mean, Matt was going out of his way to let me know he was interested.  I was interested too, but I was also interested in being able to breathe in clean air in his presence.  In my case, it was a matter of refusing to share quarters with Matt unless he promised, by way of a signed and notarized* document, to shower daily and stop wearing clothes between washes more than twice or so.  (When you're on the road, you do the best you can.  But, when a shirt has been dirty for two weeks and you're afraid it's going to spontaneously come to life and strangle you in your sleep, action has to be taken, for the good of humanity.)

Once he realized that I was more open to being around him, and close to him, when he was clean and lovely, and wearing socks that were only 4 days old instead of two weeks old, well, my work here was done.  And, it only took three years!

_*Notarized, in this case, refers to Chris holding Matt in a headlock until he signs the document in question._

3\. If They Use Their Body, ENJOY IT!

There's nothing wrong with enjoying a tight, male body on display, am I right?  If you are into your OAB, when he starts trying to work his body to impress you, well, it's like Christmas morning every day.  Matt, as he detailed in his essay, is very adept at using his body to get my attention, but not always for the reasons he thinks, bless.

It's entertaining because, 1. it makes me hot and 2. well, it's Matt, and Matt's not always the sex bomb he likes to think he is, so it also makes me laugh like fuck.

Once, when he was prancing around the stage, he tripped and fell a few feet in front of me during New Born.  I'm glad that he didn't hurt himself, but I did laugh so hard I thought I was going to piss myself in my wetsuit.  Another time, he _did_ try to fellate a bottle of water but he took the bottle into his mouth too deeply and choked so hard that he had to prance offstage to recover.  Fucker really does prance a lot.  Hmm.

The knee slides are a turn-on, and effective... _when_ they are executed without flaw.  When he aims incorrectly and slides into Chris arse, knocking them both over, well, that's a _poorly_ executed knee slide.  As for my lover's comments about sitting on my bass drum and the way it tickles his balls... I have told him and _told_ him not to do that.  Let me just say that blowing your load onto a kaoss pad* can be just as rewarding and that revenge is sweet.

What does that have to do with coping with an overly amorous bandmate?  Fuck if I know. 

_*No, YOU wanked on the Glitterati's* kaoss pad on a regular basis.  Shut up._ _May it rest in piece I mean pieces._

 

4.  Let Your OAB Spoil You With THINGS

There's no harm in it, after all.  We all like things, be it designer leather ball gags or brilliant French cheese.  A few carefully dropped hints can be especially helpful in this area.  A casual catalogue left lying around the tour bus can give a clue as to things you like, as can casually asking your OAB to take a look at the webpage you are shopping on to see which type of thong he thinks looks hotter.  Don't be alarmed if you OAB goes a bit overboard in gifting you with with brie and other things, though.  I mean, yes, I love leopard print, but I don't need a leopard print toothbrush or leopard print condoms*.

_*Oh, who am I kidding.  I fucking love those things._

5.  Remain Calm When His Fashion Sense Goes On Holiday

...or, at least, be sure to gather as much photographic evidence as possible when such atrocities are committed.  I like to bust out my iPhone at parties and entertain people with pictures of things Matt has wore over the years that were cringe-inducing as well as nightmarish.  It's true what he said, we can't all be as fashion-forward as he is, and that's something we should all praise zombie Jesus for, or your magical deity of choice.  He probably needs to redefine his interpretation of the phrase fashion-forward.

They say that there is a time and place for everything.  And this, dear readers, is the perfect time and place for one singular thing: _shopping_ , and lots of it!  I love to take Matt clothes shopping, I just can't quite suss out why my own personal fashion sense hasn't rubbed off on him yet.  He's like an adorable, clueless puppy, and it makes me hot.  If nothing else, we can get it on in the nearest changing room if the urge strikes, and with us, it usually does*.

But, really, I love him no matter what he wears.  Sometimes it's entertaining, seeing the outfits he comes up with, and I can take solace in the fact that even if Matt is wearing a suit made of newspaper and tomato sauce, I'm gonna look great no matter what I'm wearing.

Not that I _care_ about that sort of thing, mind you.

I mean, I work hard to look as good as I do, so why not enjoy it while flaunting it, even in the face of a life partner who dresses like a crazy person?

_*It's all fun and sex until a ten year old boy barges in on you and you get barred from a department store for life.  Whatever.  Fucker should have knocked._

6.  Let Him Think He's Hilarious, Even When He Isn't, Because It Will Get You Laid 

If your OAB fancies himself a comedian, well, you have my condolences.  Not that it isn't cute at times, but man, it gets old engaging in what amounts to verbal diarrhea with a man who sometimes has the mental acumen of a five year old. 

On occasion, the back and forth we get down to is a major turn on, let's face it.  Then, there are times where it leaves me at an utter loss.  Sometimes it's super satisfying shoving a drumstick up his arse after he calls me a wanker.  Sometimes it's even more satisfying slapping his balls with one when I've got him on his hands and knees... wait, where was I.

Right.

Laugh at his jokes, even if he's calling you a filthy wanksock.  If you're feeling especially amorous you can give it back as good as you're getting and well, one thing will usually lead to another, if you know what I mean, and I think you do*.

_*I'm not gonna say it.  If you don't get it, there's really no help for you._

That's all I've got, peeps.  Matt is lying here next to me and I think he's waking up now; he's gonna want his morning blowjob and Cocoa Puffs.  The point of all this? Coping with an OAB can be tiring at times, but if you are lucky, like I was and still am, they can become your best friend and partner for life.

 

  
_Dominic Howard is a drummer in the English rock band Muse, and he loves Matt Bellamy very, very much.  He has absolutely_ no _intention of writing any more essays.  Also, he's gonna win,_ _bitches._  



End file.
